Moonlit Thoughts
by PlatinumDragon
Summary: Pixie's thoughts, after Genki hit her.
1. Moonlit Thoughts

Moonlit Thoughts

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters depicted within are not mine, and I do not claim any credit for their creation or usage, save for within this fiction. Monster Rancher is a trademark of Tecmo. Please do not sue me. Comments, quips, insults and flames should be directed toward Platinum_Dragon@usinternet.com. Feel free to MST this work, but please be kind enough to send me a copy when you're done.

***

I'm not certain when I first noticed it. If it was when he hit me, after, before... I'm not sure what it was that set it off, but something did... And more and more, I find that I can't deny it any longer. Even so, I'm still struggling to ignore it, trying to brush it aside, as though I could go on as I was before. Even though I know, in my heart... if I can truly still claim to have one... that I can't... But I've gone too long like this to let go so fast. It's too much a part of me, now. It... has too strong a grip on me, and I know it. I can't let go alone.

The funny thing about it is, he didn't really hit me all that hard. All for breaking a promise, and he walked right up... well, ran right up and hit me. Could he have really believed...? No. No, he must have known that I would break my word. He must have... But for some reason, I can't help seeing how... how hurt his eyes were when he realized that I'd lied. He didn't really hit me all that hard; he wouldn't have hit me at all, if I hadn't let my guard down, but... Some how, my cheek stings still.

It's already been a full day since our 'fight.' It should have stopped stinging by now, but... I almost think that it hurts more then it did when he first got me. I know that the bone isn't broken; I healed myself as soon as I came into my private chambers, but it didn't stop hurting. The red mark didn't go away either... Why? I don't understand... My healing should have washed away all traces of it, but my cheek is still red, and it still hurts... I know that I should just heal it again, instead of asking why, but... I know, somehow, that the result would be the same. My cheek would still be red, and it would still hurt, somehow worse then before.

Now that I think about it, the pain only lessened once, for just a brief time. It was when... when I left that human there after all. What did he call him? M-something. Mickey? Yes, that was the name. Mickey. Blue couldn't believe it, when I told him to leave him there... To be honest, neither could I. I don't even know why I decided to leave him behind; I just suddenly heard myself telling Big Blue to leave him there. The clays might have argued, though, if Blue hadn't been there. 

My friend... My... only friend. We've been through so much together. Do you still remember the first time we met, each of us thinking that we'd been sent to recapture each other after we'd escaped our masters? Do you still remember the oath we took together, after the dragon, the true slave tracker, came for us? No... I know that you remember still. The one who forgot was me. We swore to never be slaves to another... but when I went to swear to Moo, you followed me without hesitation. I forgot our oath, even though I knew... even then... somewhere inside, that we would be as much a slave to him as we ever were to any of those who'd once 'owned' us. You followed me faithfully, and all that we have to show for it... in the end... is more years of pain and sorrow.

I'm not sure when I started noticing it. If it was when he hit me; before; or after... When I first started noticing that I hate life as I am now far more then I ever did as a slave. At least as a slave I had a reason to struggle to survive, to fight to keep living... the hope that, someday, I might free myself or be freed. But now... all that I have is the knowledge that... I've become what I hated so much, and that worse then that, I've dragged my friend... my only friend with me. I think... no, I know that that is part of the reason that my cheek still hurts; that it still bears the mark of where he hit me.

For his trouble, I threw him down a cliff, but... even now, I can't make myself feel angry for him hitting me. I don't know why, any more now then I did then. No, I'm lying to myself. I don't feel angry because I have nothing to be angry for. He hit me... But he had every right to. I think that I probably would have been angry if he hadn't. I can remember a time when promises actually meant something to me, the way they do to him... I broke my word, and a simple punch was far less then I truly deserve. But even though I knew that then as well as I know it now, I still blasted him off the cliff. Why?

That damn word, again and again. Why. I keep coming back to it. I know some of the answers, but the answer changes every time I run into it, and every time I run into it, the answer is harder to figure out. Why did I kill him, for doing something that I know I deserved having done to me?

But... Somehow, I know that he isn't dead. By all rights, he should be; that fall would kill anything, even, I think, Moo. But I know that he survived, the same as I know why I didn't fly down to make certain the job was finished... Because there's something about him... Something that I saw, when he believed that I would let Mickey go...

I know that I can't get away from what I've become alone... But...

I think...

Maybe...

He can help me....

Strange... But somehow, with that thought... My cheek doesn't hurt so much anymore, and somehow... I know that the moonlight shining down on my face now is shining down on unmarked, white skin.


	2. Falling

Falling

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters depicted within are not mine, and I do not claim any credit for their creation or usage, save for within this fiction. Monster Rancher is a trademark of Tecmo. Please do not sue me. Comments, quips, insults and flames should be directed toward 

Platinum_Dragon@usinternet.com. 

Feel free to MST this work, but please be kind enough to send me a copy when you're done.

***

I know that I'm going to die.

Somehow, I knew that from the moment that I saw Falcon and the pirate dragons carrying him and his friends to Moo's floating castle. It was more then just the knowledge that someday, we all will eventually move off of this coil. It was... a certainty that I had, the second that I first recognized him riding Falcon. I have to get the kid credit... he seems to have a knack for working miracles. The Big Bad Four and Falcon had something of an unspoken agreement... we'd leave them alone as long as they left us alone. I never would have believed that he'd manage to convince him to help, but it looks like he did.

No, somehow, I guess that doesn't surprise me too much, now that I think about it. There's something... about him... something that I can't really describe, beyond that he can do things... Things that shouldn't be possible for somebody so young... I don't know. Maybe it's part of the reason that I found myself deciding, despite that... certainty that I was going to die to follow them. Despite Big Blue's protests that I not go, even though he knows as well as I do that Moo must be stopped. 

So, despite it all, I'm still here, now. I managed to snatch the stone away from Moo as I went by, and I managed to break open the window so they could escape. I even managed to surprise myself, and hold off Moo's attack long enough for them to get away. It did surprise me... He's not as strong as I had thought. If he was, I should be dead already, instead of falling, too weak to spread my wings and save myself. It took all my strength to hold him off as long as I did; to stay alive long enough to find myself falling, after his last surge of strength blew me out the window, but I did survive, if only to fall to my death. Moo won't be able to count me among his victims. I wonder if he's realized yet that I got the stone away from him. I don't know how I managed to hang onto it, how I'm still holding onto it... but somehow, I am.

So now, I'm falling, and I know that I'm going to die. I don't even have the energy to open my eyes, much less spread my wings and save myself. It's funny... I should feel sad, or angry, or something... but all I feel... is lonely. It's an emotion that I find I've become all too familiar with over the past years... For a long time, it seems like the only thing that I've known. Big Blue really is my only friend... and now I'm leaving him alone too. Sometimes... sometimes it starts to feel like all I ever leave behind me is pain. When I first escaped my master, then in Northtown, and now here... Well, soon I'll never leave it behind again. I'll never leave anything behind again, save for a Lost Disk.

At least I finally did something right, though. Something... good. Something that wouldn't have haunted me in the years to come. If nothing else, I can at least honestly say that I tried. I know that I gave him and his friends a chance to get away... a chance to defeat Moo, in the end... and somehow, dying doesn't seem as much of a price to pay for it as it once would have. It's strange to think of it that way... to find myself accepting it so easily, but... at the same time, it feels right. I'm... I'm not afraid of it, as I would have thought I'd be. I just... All that I feel is... lonely, and tired. 

Tired... I suppose that that's something of an understatement. I feel... exhausted. I'm tired... of everything. Tired of fighting, tired of hating, tired of... life. I wonder, is... is that why I've accepted this so easily? Without questioning it? I'm not certain... and I guess that I won't really have time to understand. I can't be very far from the ground, now... I've been falling for a long time. Or have I? Suddenly I don't know for sure. It seems like a long time since Moo's last blast threw me out the window, but I can't be sure... after all, the only way that I know I'm still falling is because I can feel the wind rushing against my face; my body. I stopped hearing it rushing by my ears not long after I started falling. Why can't it just happen, and be done with?

I'm tired... how much longer do I have to wait to rest?

How...

How much longer do I have to wait to die?

But even as I think that... even as I grow impatient for it all to end, I suddenly realize that I'm not falling any more. I... can still feel the wind going by, but it's direction has shifted... and I can... I... can feel somebody holding me. I can feel... their warmth against my skin. It's surprising... how warm they feel, after falling so long... I hadn't noticed until just now how cold I am. They're holding me... so close... but it feels good, though. It feels good... to just be held like this. I wonder who... 

No. I know who it is that caught me. I know exactly who, and exactly why... and why it doesn't surprise me. Somehow, I manage to find the strength to open my eyes... and he is there, above me, still smiling... and still with the same concern in his eyes that I saw the last time I opened my eyes to see Genki above me. Briefly, I think of that day again; the day that he defeated Big Blue and I, and set us both free. I remember thinking that day that I'd never seen eyes quite so clear before... never seen anybody looking at me... at ME, Pixie... with such concern... with such anything, other then hatred, fear, and loathing. It's just the same today... if not more so. That look of concern, of... of friendship... is so strong. I can see why he's so important to them... Why he's starting to become... so important... to me.

I hear myself speaking to him, although I'm not quite sure what it is I'm saying; at the same time, I force myself to open my hand far enough for him to see the stone without dropping it. Then everything finally catches up to me, and I find my eyes closing again, no matter how hard I fight to keep them open. For some reason, all that I can feel suddenly is how tired I am... and how he's holding me... and the warmth of his body against mine...

And... how good...

How good, and comfortable, and... warm...

How... how right... it feels.

I'm so tired... and it feels so... so much like home that I can't... can't stay awake any longer.


	3. Starry Night

Starry Night

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters depicted within are not mine, and I do not claim any credit for their creation or usage, save for within this fiction. Monster Rancher is a trademark of Tecmo. Please do not sue me. Comments, quips, insults and flames should be directed toward 

Platinum_Dragon@usinternet.com. 

Feel free to MST this work, but please be kind enough to send me a copy when you're done.

***

What exactly am I doing here?

He fell asleep almost two hours ago now... He just said, "I'm going to sleep," and then he did just that. He turned over, and went to sleep. I could have just healed my ankle and left, two full hours ago... but I didn't. Instead of doing what I should have done, and just moved on, I pulled the blanket that he loaned me up a bit, and just kept laying here, looking out at the night sky. I can't even get myself to go to sleep. I should just heal myself and go, but even just getting some sleep would be better then laying here, wide awake, in the star light, with only the soft sound of his breathing as company. But for some reason... I can't... I don't know why, and I don't know what it is that's keeping me here... but there's nothing I can do to stop it from keeping me here.

For that matter, I've had plenty of chances throughout the day to just heal my ankle, if for no other reason then so that I didn't have to have his help to stay standing, to keep moving... but just as I can't do what I should do now, I couldn't do it then, either. All that I could do was... let him keep helping me. I told him that I didn't need, or want his help. I shouted it at him! But he wouldn't listen... He wouldn't just leave me alone so that... if the scaled jells had come... I could have just told them that he'd been killed in the landing. I suppose that it's a bit funny, that I'd be more willing to let myself die to give him a fair chance to escape then I would be to let him help me. Funny that... I'd be afraid to let him help me again, after he's already saved me twice...

Yes, I suppose that I was afraid. That... I am afraid. He's already saved my life twice, once in helping Big Blue and I to set ourselves free of Moo, and once when he caught me as I fell from Moo's floating castle. Why should I be afraid of somebody that has saved my life twice, and wants to do it again? But that's not what I'm afraid of, and deep down, I know that... And it's not the idea of owing my life three times over to the same person, even if that person is a human, either...

I'm... afraid of trusting him. Of... of letting myself trust him. And what I'm most afraid of is that I know that he is worthy of that trust. I know that he wouldn't betray me, or that trust... I'm not sure how I know, but I am, the same way that I knew it was him that had caught me before I even opened my eyes, and the same way that I knew that he would survive me blasting him off a cliff. It's... a certainty I have, a... a feeling, at the very bottom of my heart... I once wondered if I could have a heart still, after all that I've done. Now, I know that I do, because it is what is telling me that I could trust him, if only I dared take the chance...

But no matter how strong that certainty is, I can't help having doubts... For too long, I was a slave to the humans. For too long, had things done to me that no one should have to endure... I know that he would not do those things... but I can't let go of the past so quickly. My fears still wake me up at night... I can still see my family being torn away from me, by humans... and now that one is trying as hard as he can to prove that they're not all like that... I still can't help but be afraid. I know that he would not betray me... but I can't help thinking that he might...

The simple truth is, I am a coward. I've hidden behind my hate; I've hidden behind my vengeance, I've hidden behind Moo, and I've hidden behind unconcern... I've hidden behind anything that I thought might be enough to protect me... There is nothing left for me to hide behind, nothing to hide myself from my fear, and this time, I can't even run to try and buy myself time. My time has run out, and... I am afraid to face my fear. The worst part is that I think... I know someone who might be able to help, if only I could find the... strength to ask. But to find the strength to ask, I'd have to face my fears. What a tangled little web I've woven for myself.

I pause, as I hear him shifting behind me, before his breathing settles back into that of deep sleep. For a moment, I remain motionless... and then I find myself slowly sitting up slightly, and turning toward him. It's odd to see him like this... so still, so quiet... I guess that I've gotten used to the hyper-active kid that he is when he's awake. Even the determined set to his expression is missing now. When he's awake, he seems so much older then he actually is, but now... His expression is so peaceful. Strange that just seeing that expression somehow makes me feel somewhat calmer as well. I wonder... do I have such an expression, when I sleep? Or is my soul too tarnished to allow it, too dark to let that little bit of peace shine through? 

It's troubling thought... one nearly as frightening as the idea of letting myself trust. Have I really gone so far, done so much wrong, that even in sleep, I can't find peace? I haven't dreamed in a long, long time. Is it because I've forgotten how, or because even my dreams can't find their way past my darkness? How is it that it takes one sleeping child to make me ask myself these questions? One sleeping child that I am afraid of because I find myself daring to trust him?

One sleeping child, that... despite all of our differences, despite all the walls of hate I'd built for his kind, despite... all of my fears... is a friend? It feels strange to think that, even just to myself... A human, a friend. Even after all the hate, the fear, and the rage, even after what I did to him and his friends... he still wants to try to be my friend... He doesn't care that I've tried to kill him, enslave his friends, or that I am a monster by his kind's standards... He still wants to try... to be... my friend.

There's a lesson there, somewhere, I think. I wonder... I hope that some day, I might have the sight to see it, but... If I know anything, if I have learned anything as I've been thinking just now, it's that I'm not ready to return that... friendship offered, not yet. Not the way that I should, and not the way that he deserves... for being willing to forgive me for my wrongs. I can't return that... friendship until I've learned again what it means to have a friend like that.

I find a strange comfort in the idea that that friendship will be waiting for me when I am ready to return it... and I know that it will be. That is the way that he is... the quality to him that helped me despite how hard I fought against it. He was... just there for me, when I was ready to accept what he offered. The only thing that he could offer; the same thing that he gives the rest of his friends...

One sleeping child, so willing to fight against what is wrong, as I once was.

One child sleeping under the starry sky, so willing to turn around after that fight, and give the one he just defeated his only gift: the unconditional love of a child.


End file.
